ABOUT VAN CLIFTON
.Van Clifton is an idiot.
.
Van Clifton is the proud single dad of two awesomey incredible daughters who are part of his soul (but who don't like their photos online or we'd show you how gorgeous they are!), and, but, yawp, and you can bet yer sweet bippy both of those kick-ass young ladies are in a lot of ways tons smarter than he could ever hope to be. Because,
Van Clifton is a nincompoop. A moron. And a dork.
And, oh, yes, Van Clifton is also a fool and a ninny.
And, but, also, additionally, about that blockheaded nitwit Van,
His favorite things in the Universe are his human female offspring, playing piano, composing mostly classical-type pieces of music, and singing.
When Van can get off his lazy butt and record something, he likes to send out a song or maybe two for the holidays. But,
Van hasn't recorded a new holiday song in a gazillion years because he's just too much of a lazy twit (and/or he works too much) to get to the piano and mic very often.
Oh well. It's probably for the best anyways. But, hey,
Click play to the left if you're brave enough to hear some of the village idiot's almost-music.
And, not to be too 'Woo-Woo,' but the dingbat weirdo is an INFJ left-handed Pisces, so he spends most of his time alone.
------------
Van has been in self-imposed exile laying on his back healing from surgeries since a January 2021 accident.
As of July of 2022, Van has been able to sit up in a chair again for almost twenty whole minutes without writhing on the ground whilst in agony.
Yay for some chair sitting without all the writhing on the ground whilst in agony! WooHoo! Shazam!
Since then, he’s really enjoyed sitting at the piano composing for the first time in almost twenty years.
Van hopes to be done with surgeries and be up and playing rugby and riding horses again very soon!
------------
------------
Van James Clifton was suffering from EXTREME memory LOSS for several years, and HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT!
You can call his beautiful lady lawyer, a Ms. KeriAnn Brady, an AMAZING lady law human, and she'll tell you, as Mr. Clifton was very up-front with her about it, and there's E-MAIL traffic to prove it!
And it took months of HYPNOTHERAPY, 3x-daily, a beautiful recording done by a very qualified therapist, (Please just Google Farrah Dyer - SHE'S AMAZING!), as prescribed by Mr. Van Clifton's Therapist, a Ms. Alyssa Jones, along with smoking some weed (Mr. Clifton doesn't drink alcohol hardly ever - although he and his Mexican buddy, who lived upstairs from him, AN AMAZING SINGLE DADDY WITH 7 KIDS!, comes down after a long-ass day of hard work for his family with a MOST EXCELLENT bottle of Tequila from Mexico . . .to sit, hang out and let Mr. Clifton play the piano and drink a FULL RED SOLO CUP of, WOW that shit from MEXICO is Freakin' AWESOME! (although Mr. Van James Clifton was once FALSELY accused of being a RAGING ALCOHOLIC, when some dickless idiot's stupid #$%^& daddy died (Please, remember: VAN CLIFTON HATES ALL MEN), and he was QUITE LITERALLY FORCED to take a shot of GIN, and that poor IDIOT VAN JAMES CLIFTON CAIN'T EVER JUST SAY NO AND WALK AWAY FROM SHITTLY LITTLE ASSHOLES WHO WON'T EVER, AND I MEAN, #@$%^ EVER TAKE A FUTHER MUCKIN' NO! FOR AN answer to what? A shot of GIN while that poor #$% A$$HOLE Van James Clifton was too many, by prescription, meds to even be there? All Van Clifton ever said to a certain population of younger stupid @#$%^s was "NO! FUCK OFF! YER TOO low-class and stupid for me, and I grew up on the beach under a tarp with my Grammy?"
Mr. Clifton VERY TRULY regrets sending out something like some pre-recorded messages, but, the PERSCRIBED HYPNOTHERAPY was having the most amazing, desired, deeply spiritual, and what? . . . .
His SOUTHERN VOICE FINALLY,( AND I MEAN FINALLY CAME BACK AFTER ALMOST 20 YEARS OF Poopduck #$% MEN . . . DOING WHAT?) Tellin' the NEW guy he cain't speak in an accent? Uhm. What?
Yeah. I know! It weren't the first time that stupid idiot Van James Clifton started speaking in a different tongue - it started, for him, a few years after he got dead and came back after a LOT (and I mean a LOT longer than yer supposed to, and Isa playin' Mr. Scott Jopling's "The Maple Leaf Rag" after just 3 trips to a music teacher!) Yawp,Van Clifton is also a weirdo.
In Ms. Jenson's fifth grade class, when he stood up to perform "The Walrus and the Carpenter, Ms. Jenson said he was not only speaking in a completely different tongue, it was like he was suddenly from somewhere in England, standing different, and such. Some idiot Elvin Cowboy around that poor Mr. Clifton has called him a "Social Chameleon" in the past. As if they were friends.
It's called being an empath. INFJ left-handed Pisces, and a further mucking empath. At least his FEMALE therapist says so. Yer forced to feel the feelings of what you perceive to be the feelings of everyone around you. If you've ever Seen Van James Clifton in a group situation, or any situation with a MAN, with VERY few exclusions, just know he was there by force.
VAN JAMES CLIFTON HATES ALL MEN. #$%#@
Ms. Farrah Dyer is an AMAZING SPIRITUAL HEALER AND HYPNOTHERAPIST.
Mr. Clifton was just very recently sent to API by, of all futher muckin things, his very own beautiful daughter, Tessa, to see what the @#$%@#$ HELL was wrong with that filthy @ssHOLE old man, who used to look almost twenty years younger than what he aught to . . .
When the police showed up at his door, he was fully dressed and ready to go, I mean, did he NOT send out an invitation?
Public and private, computer and text?
When the very nice men showed up at his door, one of them looked almost exactly like "Uncle Mikey," but back from when he was a "replacement Pinocchio," but with maybe 15-20 extra pounds on him, and his name was Michael.
And Van James Clifton fell to the floor. They had to help him up, and then he practically ran out to the Police Car to get in.
On his second night at API, Van James Clifton found out and realized that he HAD NEVER really slept a single solitary night in his life, not really, in any significant way, and all he needed was a pill or three a day,
And, on his 60th birthday, on his official "check-out" day, and "check-out" was SUPPOSED to be , at the earliest possible time, at 3pm (but I ended up running out of there like a BAT outta HELL by NOON or ELSE!)
Mr. Van James Clifton was reading from the Book of Daniel, where, in the Bible, it says that this kick-ass Dudie-Head McNugget Daniel was in the FIERY furnace with "Me Shack, You Shack, and a Bungalow" (at least that's how my Mammy insists on calling it. Heh. We lived on the beach under a tarp for so long, and we were LUCKY when we moved up in the world to trailer trash.)
Well let's just say the ONLY thing I told those folks at API was that I had to leave as soon as there was not enough space for me to have my own room, and I woke up from my after-breakfast nap, a WTF really NAP, and right after breakfast? Yawp, I woke up after my WTF real nap, and I mean, right after I had just slept one of the most beautiful sleeps of my lifetime the night before.
Well, I woke up, with my headsets on listening to KLEF and there was a NIGGER in my room! (Nigger = an "UNWELCOMED" white MAN, I mean, obviously, right?) (and he was a super NICE guy!) And I ran outta there as fast as I could, by NOON - I mean right? Isn't NOON the NORMAL time to check out of a spa-like hotel? (That was an "Opposite Day" remark) API is filthy with disrespect, at least it was for me, utterly @#$% HUMILIATING from the #$%#$ second I walked in the door, but at least I got to find out the pills I needed to take (and most likely never would have needed, if there weren't MEN all around me for MOST of my life, but, all's well that ends well. I'D #$%@# SUE THOSE FUTHER MUCKIN DISRESPECTFUL @#$%'S AT API IF I COULD, FILTHY @#$# MEN running that shitty place - DON'T EVER SEND SOMEONE YOU LOVE TO API. FUCKERS.
But, my beautiful Daughter did the ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING! YAY TESSA! YOU GO, YOU FUCKIN' BADASS BITCH! SENDIN YER DICKLESS further muckin' DADDY there! Woo Hoo! YAY for Tessa Kiara Clifton! I haven't even begun to make @#$@ up to that AMAZING "Promising Young Woman!!!!!" She has NO IDEA what's about to come her way!!! : )
Then, leading my sorry ass up to my COURT DATE, for scaring a beautiful young mother just CLEAN OUTTA HER EVER-LOVING WITS,
I had my Beautiful Lil Blonde Sis, Christine fly all the way up from Seattle, WA just to make SURE I even GOT to COURT, but, at the very last second - and she was staying in a little hotel just right down the street from me to make SURE I even GOT to the COURTHOUSE, where she and I BOTH absolutely don't even BELONG without a "Responsible ADULT," I mean, all to heck and heck and all get-out, it took MY OWN DAUGHTER to even get me in to API,
My Lil Sis' REAL hair has GOLD PRISMATIC HAIR! MY Momma's got SILVER, and my Beautiful dark-haired beauty, Bianca has AUBURN, RUST, AND GOLD!
FOR REALS!
And me, not doing quite so well in the world for a VERY long time, until MY VERY OWN DAUGHTER . . .
There's a beautiful black service animal, black as the Ace of Spades, part Rottweiler, helping a physically disabled beautiful seventies-years old lady walk on her walk by my low-rent-ish place our here in Eagle River, and his name is literally, not figuratively at all, the "N" word, which I had only said eggsmackly one time, and it made me kinda throw up and I didn't feel at all well for a bit after, until I met "Ginger's" his owner and . . .
---------------------------
I mean, Madame Judge Person, did I or did I not call you, out of breath and crying like, just like a BIG STUPID IDIOT BABY just over an hour or so before the MOST IMPORTANT meeting of my life wondering if I could, what?
That was the VERY SECOND I even found out I COULD DO OUR MEETING OVER THE PHONE!
And, um, WOW, were you EVER SO NICE!
I was calling in to say I'd be late because
I texted my WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL AMAZING Lady Law Human, the one I call "Lady Hawk, the fabulous Ms. Keri Ann McBrady the WRONG EMOJI and she knew IMMEDIATELY something was terribly wrong. What?!
YEAH. IT'S WHY I HATE MEN.
I usually send Miss KeriAnn a series of ORANGE HEARTS, but, I was in distress, and I sent her a series of WTF emoji's that don't even look like me anymore, and nobody I even know from before from my so-called "LIFE" before has even bothered to even check in on me, so, Ms. Derrickson, if we were AT all even REMOTELY as good of "FRIENDS" like you insist that we WERE, even though, and it's more than EXACLY to THE VERY @#$% POINT, if we were SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, YOU STUPID #$%$, why the 23423 didn't you even think TO CALL ONE OF MY VERY OWN "REAL" mother plucking daughters, you @#$%#$!
Did you even remember that I ever even HAD my OWN family?
Yeah, we were clearly NEVER REALLY FRIENDS at all then, were we?
Ms. Derrickson?
Not AT all NOT to the point young lady.
Huh?
I mean, DID I OR DID I NOT make ABSOLUTELY @#$% SURE, that you and that dickless @#$% Elvin Cowboy Ass-less Chaps "BUDDY" of yours get those messages LOUD and clear, on a VERY easily download-able PRIVATE, TEXT and CORPORATE way?
I started with a "Funny," setting "The Record STRAIGHT," so as that you might EVEN KNOW something WEIRD was up, like a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SOUNDING VOICE?
The, DID I DID I *NOT* scare the living shit out of you?
If you did, in fact, even really KNOW ME for even more than an hour, you would HAVE KNOWN that I was quite LITERALLY not at all figuratively a BROADWAY Trained Actor in as early as @#$% HIGH SCHOOL!
ANYONE who is EVEN REMOTELY my "Real Friend" would know about my stage show FROM High School, "Lust for Dust," and Interactive Melodrama where I played the MAIN CHARACTER, a Mr. "Danny DooGood," written for ME, by a little lady just a few years older than ME at the time who showed up here in Anchorage much later in CATS the Broadway Touring SHOW We took that SHIT on an international tour to an international festival. Did you even know remotely about JUST HOW MANY POLITICAL FUNDRAISERS I USED TO PLAY FOR before I worked for ONC? You stated, I think I mean, what? Did you say in your statement we met at UAA. Nope. If you did meet me at UAA? Nope. I have no Earthly EVEN remembrance of you until I MET YOU AT ONC.
Yeah.
All you knew about me was the things you all were putting me and my family, my REAL family, you shittly little Willow Whore of BABYlon.
And, don't worry, this ain't STALKING. You can't even Google my name, once VERY POPULAR IN POLITICAL CIRCLES, to get to this page.
I mean, before I started "Working" you ignernt little children, the Mayor used to call me to play for the Holiday party at his house. I got paid $500 to walk in the room and sit at a piano, and $300 an hour after that.
I did that SHIT TONS.
Once, before I Once, before I went went completely DARK in the Universe of my REAL LIFE, helping out the RIGHT POLITICAL and UAA beautiful people (by the way, this is the last even remotely "friend-like" thing I will ever say to you (AND, you're too low-class for me to even want to even smell, you @#$% - yer a STAWBERRY BLONDE.)
I used to be FAMEOUS starting when I was about 18 for the ability, and I shit you not you @#$# little turd bucket - for the innate ability to walk on, "Opening Night," and you always have to expect the pianist to break an arm on "Opening Night," did you EVEN KNOW I played the piano? Sang the "Star Spangled Banner" Accapella? At events?
Yeah. Some "Friend."
Little lady, "YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAVE A REAL FRIEND LIKE ME!"
I guarantee you Arnold Schwarzenegger will remember me from when he and Maria were here for the Special Olympics! We had a seriously funny "funny" that he'll remember when I remind him, and He'll be back, if we want him, for Congress WOMAN Mary's stuff, and I've GOT a SINGLE point of separation from a BUNCH of FUN Movie STARS and shit we're gonna use to make CONGRESS WOMAN Mary FAMEOUS when SHE'S to move on to the next level. From back when I ran the 1,00 seat house, the Williamson Auditorium, and YAY!
CONGRESS WOMAN Mary Peltola is going to do VERY well.
YAY for Alaska!
YAY for WOMEN!
And, YAY for T&B!
