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.Van Clifton is an idiot.

Van Clifton



The Idiot.

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Van's dining room and pantry.

Music & Stuff


Dudes are laid back.



Van's hatchlings liked tango music when they were munchkins, so he wrote this for them. 



Van Clifton is the proud single dad of two awesomey incredible daughters who are part of his soul (but who don't like their photos online or we'd show you how gorgeous they are!), and, but, yawp, and you can bet yer sweet bippy both of those kick-ass young ladies are in a lot of ways tons smarter than he could ever hope to be. Because,

Van Clifton is a nincompoop. A moron. And a dork.

And, oh, yes, Van Clifton is also a fool and a ninny.

And, but, also, additionally, about that blockheaded nitwit Van,

His favorite things in the Universe are his human female offspring, playing piano, composing mostly classica
l-type pieces of music, and singing. 

When Van can get off his lazy butt and record something, he likes to send out a song or maybe two for the holidays. But,

Van hasn't recorded a new holiday song in a gazillion years because he's just too much of a lazy twit
(and/or he works too much) to get to the piano and mic very often.

Oh well. It's probably for the best anyways. But, hey,

Click play to the left if you're brave enough to hear some of the village idiot's almos

And, not to be too 'Wo
o-Woo,' but the dingbat weirdo is an INFJ left-handed Pisces, so he spends most of his time alone. 


Van has been in self-imposed exile laying on his back healing from surgeries since a January 2021 accident.  


As of July of 2022, Van has been able to sit up in a chair again for almost twenty whole minutes without writhing on the ground whilst in agony. 


Yay for some chair sitting without all the writhing on the ground whilst in agony!  WooHoo! Shazam!


Since then, he’s really enjoyed sitting at the piano composing for the first time in almost twenty years.  


Van hopes to be done with surgeries and be up and playing rugby and riding horses again very soon



Van James Clifton was suffering from EXTREME memory LOSS for several years, and HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT!

You can call his beautiful lady lawyer, a Ms. KeriAnn Brady, an AMAZING lady law human, and she'll tell you, as Mr. Clifton was very up-front with her about it, and there's E-MAIL traffic to prove it!

And it took months of HYPNOTHERAPY, 3x-daily, a beautiful recording done by a very qualified therapist, (Please just Google Farrah Dyer - SHE'S AMAZING!), as prescribed by Mr. Van Clifton's Therapist, a Ms. Alyssa Jones, along with smoking some weed (Mr. Clifton doesn't drink alcohol hardly ever - although he and his Mexican buddy, who lived upstairs from him, AN AMAZING SINGLE DADDY WITH 7 KIDS!, comes down after a long-ass day of hard work for his family with a MOST EXCELLENT bottle of Tequila from Mexico . .  .to sit, hang out and let Mr. Clifton play the piano and drink a FULL RED SOLO CUP of, WOW that shit from MEXICO is Freakin' AWESOME!  (although Mr. Van James Clifton was once FALSELY accused of being a RAGING ALCOHOLIC, when some dickless idiot's stupid #$%^& daddy died (Please, remember: VAN CLIFTON HATES ALL MEN), and he was QUITE LITERALLY FORCED to take a shot of GIN, and that poor IDIOT VAN JAMES CLIFTON CAIN'T EVER JUST SAY NO AND WALK AWAY FROM SHITTLY LITTLE ASSHOLES WHO WON'T EVER, AND I MEAN, #@$%^ EVER TAKE A FUTHER MUCKIN' NO! FOR AN answer to what? A shot of GIN while that poor #$% A$$HOLE Van James Clifton was too many, by prescription, meds to even be there? All Van Clifton ever said to a certain population of younger stupid @#$%^s was "NO! FUCK OFF! YER TOO low-class and stupid for me, and I grew up on the beach under a tarp with my Grammy?"

Mr. Clifton VERY TRULY regrets sending out something like some pre-recorded messages, but, the PERSCRIBED HYPNOTHERAPY was having the most amazing, desired, deeply spiritual, and what? . . . .

His SOUTHERN VOICE FINALLY,( AND I MEAN FINALLY CAME BACK AFTER ALMOST 20 YEARS OF Poopduck #$% MEN  . .  .  DOING WHAT?) Tellin' the NEW guy he cain't speak in an accent? Uhm. What? 

Yeah. I know! It weren't the first time that stupid idiot Van James Clifton started speaking in a different tongue - it started, for him, a few years after he got dead and came back after a LOT (and I mean a LOT longer than yer supposed to, and Isa playin' Mr. Scott Jopling's "The Maple Leaf Rag" after just 3 trips to a music teacher!) Yawp,Van Clifton is also a weirdo. 

In Ms. Jenson's fifth grade class, when he stood up to perform "The Walrus and the Carpenter, Ms. Jenson said he was not only speaking in a completely different tongue, it was like he was suddenly from somewhere in England, standing different, and such. Some idiot Elvin Cowboy around that poor Mr. Clifton has called him a "Social Chameleon" in the past. As if they were friends.

It's called being an empath. INFJ left-handed Pisces, and a further mucking empath. At least his FEMALE therapist says so. Yer forced to feel the feelings of what you perceive to be the feelings of everyone around you. If you've ever Seen Van James Clifton in a group situation, or any situation with a MAN, with VERY few exclusions, just know he was there by force.




Mr. Clifton was just very recently sent to API by, of all futher muckin things, his very own beautiful daughter, Tessa, to see what the @#$%@#$ HELL was wrong with that filthy @ssHOLE old man, who used to look almost twenty years younger than what he aught to . . . 

When the police showed up at his door, he was fully dressed and ready to go, I mean, did he NOT send out an invitation?

Public and private, computer and text?

When the very nice men showed up at his door, one of them looked almost exactly like "Uncle Mikey," but back from when he was a "replacement Pinocchio," but with maybe 15-20 extra pounds on him, and his name was Michael.

And Van James Clifton fell to the floor. They had to help him up, and then he practically ran out to the Police Car to get in.

On his second night at API, Van James Clifton found out and realized that he HAD NEVER really slept a single solitary night in his life, not really, in any significant way, and all he needed was a pill or three a day, 

And, on his 60th birthday, on his official "check-out" day, and "check-out" was SUPPOSED to be , at the earliest possible time, at 3pm (but I ended up running out of there like a BAT outta HELL by NOON or ELSE!)

Mr. Van James Clifton was reading from the Book of Daniel, where, in the Bible, it says that this kick-ass Dudie-Head McNugget Daniel was in the FIERY furnace with "Me Shack, You Shack, and a Bungalow" (at least that's how my Mammy insists on calling it. Heh. We lived on the beach under a tarp for so long, and we were LUCKY when we moved up in the world to trailer trash.)

Well let's just say the ONLY thing I told those folks at API was that I had to leave as soon as there was not enough space for me to have my own room, and I woke up from my after-breakfast  nap, a WTF really NAP, and right after breakfast? Yawp, I woke up after my WTF real nap, and I mean, right after I had just slept one of the most beautiful sleeps of my lifetime the night before. 

Well, I woke up, with my headsets on listening to KLEF and there was a NIGGER in my room! (Nigger = an "UNWELCOMED" white MAN, I mean, obviously, right?) (and he was a super NICE guy!) And I ran outta there as fast as I could, by NOON - I mean right? Isn't NOON the NORMAL time to check out of a spa-like hotel? (That was an "Opposite Day" remark) API is filthy with disrespect, at least it was for me, utterly @#$% HUMILIATING from the #$%#$ second I walked in the door, but at least I got to find out the pills I needed to take (and most likely never would have needed, if there weren't MEN all around me for MOST of my life, but, all's well that ends well. I'D #$%@# SUE THOSE FUTHER MUCKIN DISRESPECTFUL @#$%'S AT API IF I COULD, FILTHY @#$# MEN running that shitty place - DON'T EVER SEND SOMEONE YOU LOVE TO API. FUCKERS.

But, my beautiful Daughter did the ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING! YAY TESSA! YOU GO, YOU FUCKIN' BADASS BITCH! SENDIN YER DICKLESS further muckin' DADDY there! Woo Hoo! YAY for Tessa Kiara Clifton! I haven't even begun to make @#$@ up to that AMAZING "Promising Young Woman!!!!!" She has NO IDEA what's about to come her way!!!   : )

Then, leading my sorry ass up to my COURT DATE, for scaring a beautiful young mother just CLEAN OUTTA HER EVER-LOVING WITS, 

I had my Beautiful Lil Blonde Sis, Christine fly all the way up from Seattle, WA just to make SURE I even GOT to COURT, but, at the very last second - and she was staying in a little hotel just right down the street from me to make SURE I even GOT to the COURTHOUSE, where she and I BOTH absolutely don't even BELONG without a "Responsible ADULT," I mean, all to heck and heck and all get-out, it took MY OWN DAUGHTER to even get me in to API, 

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My Lil Sis' REAL hair has GOLD PRISMATIC HAIR! MY Momma's got SILVER, and my Beautiful dark-haired beauty, Bianca has AUBURN, RUST, AND GOLD!


And me, not doing quite so well in the world for a VERY long time, until MY VERY OWN DAUGHTER . . .

There's a beautiful black service animal, black as the Ace of Spades, part Rottweiler, helping a physically disabled beautiful seventies-years old lady walk on her walk by my low-rent-ish place our here in Eagle River, and his name is literally, not figuratively at all, the "N" word, which I had only said eggsmackly one time, and it made me kinda throw up and I didn't feel at all well for a bit after, until I met "Ginger's" his owner and . . .

I mean, Madame Judge Person, did I or did I not call you, out of breath and crying like, just like a BIG STUPID IDIOT BABY just over an hour or so before the MOST IMPORTANT meeting of my life wondering if I could, what? 


And, um, WOW, were you EVER SO NICE! 

I was calling in to say I'd be late because 

I texted my WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL AMAZING Lady Law Human, the one I call "Lady Hawk, the fabulous Ms. Keri Ann McBrady the WRONG EMOJI and she knew IMMEDIATELY something was terribly wrong. What?! 


I usually send Miss KeriAnn a series of ORANGE HEARTS, but, I was in distress, and I sent her a series of WTF emoji's that don't even look like me anymore, and nobody I even know from before from my so-called "LIFE" before has even bothered to even check in on me, so, Ms. Derrickson, if we were AT all even REMOTELY as good of "FRIENDS" like you insist that we WERE, even though, and it's more than EXACLY to THE VERY @#$% POINT, if we were SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, YOU STUPID #$%$, why the 23423 didn't you even think TO CALL ONE OF MY VERY OWN "REAL" mother plucking daughters, you @#$%#$!

Did you even remember that I ever even HAD my OWN family?

Yeah, we were clearly NEVER REALLY FRIENDS at all then, were we? 

Ms. Derrickson?

Not AT all NOT to the point young lady.


I mean, DID I OR DID I NOT make ABSOLUTELY @#$% SURE, that you and that dickless @#$% Elvin Cowboy Ass-less Chaps "BUDDY" of yours get those messages LOUD and clear, on a VERY easily download-able PRIVATE, TEXT and CORPORATE way?

I started with a "Funny," setting "The Record STRAIGHT," so as that you might EVEN KNOW something WEIRD was up, like a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SOUNDING VOICE?

The, DID I DID I *NOT* scare the living shit out of you?

If you did, in fact, even really KNOW ME for even more than an hour, you would HAVE KNOWN that I was quite LITERALLY not at all figuratively a BROADWAY Trained Actor in as early as @#$% HIGH SCHOOL!

ANYONE who is EVEN REMOTELY my "Real Friend" would know about my stage show FROM High School, "Lust for Dust," and Interactive Melodrama where I played the MAIN CHARACTER, a Mr. "Danny DooGood," written for ME, by a little lady just a few years older than ME at the time who showed up here in Anchorage much later in CATS the Broadway Touring SHOW We took that SHIT on an international tour to an international festival. Did you even know remotely about JUST HOW MANY POLITICAL FUNDRAISERS I USED TO PLAY FOR before I worked for ONC? You stated, I think I mean, what? Did you say in your statement we met at UAA. Nope. If you did meet me at UAA? Nope. I have no Earthly EVEN remembrance of you until I MET YOU AT ONC. 


All you knew about me was the things you all were putting me and my family, my REAL family, you shittly little Willow Whore of BABYlon. 

And, don't worry, this ain't STALKING. You can't even Google my name, once VERY POPULAR IN POLITICAL CIRCLES, to get to this page. 

I mean, before I started "Working" you ignernt little children, the Mayor used to call me to play for the Holiday party at his house. I got paid $500 to walk in the room and sit at a piano, and $300 an hour after that. 

I did that SHIT TONS. 

Once, before I Once, before I went went completely DARK in the Universe of my REAL LIFE, helping out the RIGHT POLITICAL and UAA beautiful people (by the way, this is the last even remotely "friend-like" thing I will ever say to you (AND, you're too low-class for me to even want to even smell, you @#$% - yer a STAWBERRY BLONDE.)

I used to be FAMEOUS starting when I was about 18 for the ability, and I shit you not you @#$# little turd bucket - for the innate ability to walk on, "Opening Night," and you always have to expect the pianist to break an arm on "Opening Night," did you EVEN KNOW I played the piano? Sang the "Star Spangled Banner" Accapella? At events?

Yeah. Some "Friend."


I guarantee you Arnold Schwarzenegger will remember me from when he and Maria were here for the Special Olympics!  We had a seriously funny "funny" that he'll  remember when I remind him, and He'll be back, if we want him, for Congress WOMAN Mary's stuff, and I've GOT a SINGLE  point of separation from a BUNCH of FUN Movie STARS and shit we're gonna use to make CONGRESS WOMAN Mary FAMEOUS when SHE'S to move on to the next level. From back when I ran the 1,00 seat house, the Williamson Auditorium, and YAY! 

CONGRESS WOMAN Mary Peltola is going to do VERY well. 

YAY for Alaska! 


And, YAY for T&B!

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Well Madame Judge Person, my little sister Christine (a "responsible adult," NOT my OWN daughter) came up for a whole week or so, but the ONLY time SHE couldn't even remotely be available was the exact time my "REAL" meeting with you was, and I wasn't at all in my right mind, still suffering quite a bit from memory loss, was the exact time our actual meeting was. 

I looked at the paper wrong, or something, and thought it was the following day, and I told her I would just take a Cab, but, I couldn't even get THAT right, and didn't realize it until just shortly before I called you - and I told my sister to just please make sure I was AWAKE at 8am, but then, I haven't been very good at time management for a while, and I used to be VERY good at it, but I ended up calling a Cab just a bit before, and my sister Christine then called me an Ub
er, and both showed up here waaay too late to even get me there in time. (I gave Uber guy $40, and the Cabbie $60 just to make sure they went away  happy for the rest of the day.)

And I OK and good enough at speaking for myself in almost every way except making sure that Ms. Derricson knew ABSOLUTELY without a shadow of a doubt (and, yeah, that little shittly asshole Teresa knew VERY well I wouldn't have HURT her in the past, because THAT IS the kind of HUMAN I am, INFJ (like Jesus) in the Meyer-Brigssy stuff,

But, Ms. Derrickson, please, could you please tell the court, that, if, as you stated before, you and Mr. Clifton WERE as close as you CLAIMED IN YOUR SWORN TESTIMONY,

1. Ms. Derrickson will NEVER see Mr. Clifton again, except maybe streamed live, from on stage, from the UAA Williamson Auditorium (if Mr. Clifton has ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT) at a LIVE FUNDRAISER with his REAL, talented GIRL FRIENDS raising shit-tons of $$$ for CONGRESS WOMAN Mary's SUPER-CHARGED POLITICAL CAREER (and Lisa M. is gonna love it, YAY!)

You have my solemn word. If my sister Christine was where she was supposed to be, and flew all the way up here to be, but had to be on an online meeting or something, our "Meeting" would have ended VERY differently. My lil sis has been book editor for over 400 books, worked at Microsoft writing for gaming systems, (and she's invented an "Interactive Software" that we'll be using, by hook or by crook, that we'll be using for kids learning online, and we'll pilot the program starting from Alaska on my "Mother Goose" Children's Theatre program at UAA) page for Alaska Teachers! etc.,,,, and SHE'S A BAD-ASS BITCH (When we get CONGRESS WOMAN Mary the right funding!). 

2. Again, Ms. Derrikson, why didn't you EVEN THINK to call EVEN ONE, if NOT BOTH of Mr. Clifton's VERY OWN beautiful two daughters when he started acting, again, DID I NOT START WITH A FUNNY?


Did you. 


And, if you were SO SCARED, why didn't that shittly little asshole #@$% "Elvin Cowboy Assless Chaps" Shane Harvey call one or both of my daughters? Huh? THEY FORCED ME TO DO A WHOLE FUCKING WEDDING FOR THEM, AND EVEN HE DIDN'T CALL MY DAUGHTERS. WTF?

Madame Judge Person, no, Ms. Derrickson will never hear or even remotely be in the same "Sphere of Influence" again as Mr. Clifton.

Did we REALLY meet at UAA?

I guess maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger's biceps got in the way. I have NO remembrance of you until ONC, Ms. Derrickson, and you were never AT ALL MY FRIEND were you Again, why didn't you call one or both of Or HOW ABOUT THE POINTER SISTERS? They were at the same Special Olympics! I betcha they'll come back for a fundraiser for CONGRESS WOMAN Mary's FUNDRAISER!

I had a FUN time with "The Pointer Sister's" "Special Request," a table full of specific candy bars - I made it in to a FREAKIN WORK OF ART!

Oh yeah. I REALLY DO have a LOT of REAL FUN HAPPY FRIENDS, who, even though I've only met them once, and/but treated them with the utmost respect and fun and happy, I know they'd come on back up here because I treated them more than well, but, even more than that with the utmost respect. 

And who doesn't want to come back to Alaska?

Please, if you would, please stand by for a recorded statement, one moment please, as I would like you to rescind the 

Again, Madam Judge Person, if this isn't all that you need to hear from me, please let me know, because, well, and I can't say this to you enough, my "responsible human," my little sister isn't here to tell me - well, she HAD to go back to Seattle this morning.  : )

Please, just please tell me what you need to hear from me to begin my true life's work: GETTING A WOMAN INTO POWER, like Congress WOMAN Mary Peltola, and I've GOT tons of POWERFUL WOMEN "REAL" friends TO HELP US ALL GET MARY, and ALL WOMEN where they need to be. I'm good for at LEAST ONE GOOD thing: helping women feel better about themselves so they feel better about themselves. I need to teach a certain someone the right way to walk, present herself, speak in public - it's called living in "thirds," (living your life in a series of musical "triplets") (and Disney edits a TON of their movies THAT WAY! Shit you NOT!) and Robin Wright practically made it famous, but she's NOT the only famous lady who moves her personage around (including the way she speaks!) like that! EASILY TEACHABLE if ya got the right GUY to teach her. And, yawp, I'm better than that guy on "Miss Congeniality," because I also am a Disney Character, practically! Really. Disney's about the only thing I ever watch. Ask my GIRLS - they ALWAYS tell me what movies I CAIN'T ever watch. 


Call me, any time @ 907-360-0326 if I need to say anything more on this.

Van James Clifton.

And, Theresa, young LADY, you NEED to KNOW, ABSOLUTELY that absofuckinglutely NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT. 

You can ALWAYS count on a MAN to do the WRONG thing - and you know eggsmackly who and WHAT I'm talking about young LADY.

DON'T YOU EVER trust a MAN to do the right thing, again, in your LIFE, Ms. Derrickson. EVER.

But, NO - you won't ever see me again. Not if I can AT ALL HELP IT. Really. I'm proud of you for taking care of your little brain-diseased babies - please, if nothing else good comes from this, trust me, T, you need to get your kids checked - you know VERY WELL your little girl's brain was too super-charged from a much-too-early age? Try
looking at ADHD, or maybe they're on "The Spectrum?" I can give you WAY too many examples of their behavior, and/BUT trust me, they'll be even happier than they have ever been! I'm NOT wrong!

: )            - V


Sworn Statement 3/15/23Van James Clifton
00:00 / 18:24

I told my AMAZING "Lady Hawk" SUPER LAW person that she's actually a lady on TV named "Ann Dowd," and when she's blonde, she's a pretty "Blonde Kitty" with claws, but damsel in distress almost lookin', but when she goes "Austere" (think: girls in red cloaks with white Flying Nun caps) she's the most stunningly beautiful and powerful commanding human on the PLANET!

We're, (meaning, CONGRESS WOMAN Mary) is going to buy and re-purpose "Pilot Bread" that we all grew up with when yer living on the beach under a tarp, to help feed the homeless (until we all start calling it not, home LESS, the but HOME FREE.)

We're going to put "Pilot Bread" into a 3-pack with different simple flavors that will help save lives! YAY!

And the packaging will be biodegradable so there won't be ANY WASTE!

Madam Judge Person, see? I really AM the person to help a lot of REALLY needy people, but, and/really, 

Ms. Derrickson has nothing to ever worry about even hearing from me. 

Really. All I've EVER wanted to even do in my life has been to help others. 

Thoughts?          - V

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